Today has the power to write a new story in the world’s history!
Today as I turn a new page in the book of my life, I suddenly realize that nothing’s ever gonna be the same again. Now I’m not just someone… I am a writer, a professional! And I will be judged, criticized, compared, measured; my work will be weighed in terms of its content, value, goodness, innovation, ingenuity, sales and a plethora of parameters.
But none of them will understand the sheer delight, the playfulness, the unconscious witticisms, my stupidity & foolhardiness, the desire to be wise beyond my age, the feelings in my heart that made me write what I wrote; they won’t understand the fear, endless dark nights of the soul, feelings of being lost & groping in the unknown, suffering, solitude, doubts, regrets and pain that beseeched my consciousness while doing what I was doing… no, people won’t even have an iota of inkling to fathom that; they will instead hold their yard sticks and calculate my soul according to some finite units of evaluation… and so the true sentiments that led to this book will always remain a mystery.
Because for the rest of the world, this is just ‘another’ book. But for me this is my next stride on my journey to destiny… I didn’t know this material would become a book when I was writing it, neither do I know where I’ll place my foot next, because the guidance within does not show us the entire path; it just tells us our next step in life. True, it has always been my dream to be a writer… and to see my books top the bestsellers’ list. However, I had never imagined that ‘magicNine’ would be my first book, not like this! I always thought, someday… sometime in the future I will write my masterpiece and surprise the whole world, while I didn’t realize that during all that time I was dreaming, imagining & fantasizing that distant future, I was actually writing that masterpiece all along!
magicNine happened. It was not planned, nor its content known; not one line in the book was foreseen nor its outcome expected… and even while writing it, I didn’t know it would one day become a book, my first book! I was just writing to amuse myself in my own imaginings, to amaze myself in my own meanderings, playing with possibilities, experimenting with my life; but I did not think that one day I’d publish those very crazy musings of mine, and that the whole world will read them!
I am not a perfect writer; I did not even know how to write! Sometimes I borrowed words, sentences, even entire paragraphs and pages, scene settings from other books, stories, movies, songs, poems… because in my mind I had no limits; I was the queen of my own world, so I could do anything I wanted. I was weaving adventures and fairy tales in my fantasies, and when I didn’t know how to proceed, or got stuck in my own story, I just picked up stories from other places to fill in the gaps! Those ‘other’ stories colored my own thoughts until I didn’t know which words were mine and which belonged to another… it all seemed to be coming to me from my own consciousness which was connected to the divine consciousness of the universe. So I graciously accepted the ‘help’ that was coming to me to carry my story forward. In my mind I was just playing with myself and enjoying the process so much that not once did I think I was doing something wrong or inappropriate.
I kept writing and expressing myself in myriad manners; from an outgoing extrovert, I became an extreme introvert, until there came a time when nothing outside of myself amused me anymore; all I wanted to do was shut the door to my room, cut off all exterior noises of the world and plunge into the abyss of my imaginations. It was my only source of joy during those three years while I was penning ‘magicNine’. I found fault in everyone & everything just to make up excuses for my madness, because I did not understand what was happening to me. I made lame excuses to myself for not wanting to meet people, for having no desire to go out or socialize or even hangout with my own friends. But I couldn’t abandon the process that was happening to me. It was such an incredible adventure my mind was weaving, that honestly I didn’t care if I was going to hell, all I wanted to do was capture all those emotions into words…
Yet more often than not, I was scared… a million doubts had cropped into my mind; I thought I was doing something wrong by shutting out the entire world, getting locked in the abyss of my own imaginations and never being able to come out of that dark room; I thought I was turning into a psycho! I had doubts of my own sanity, I was sure I had become schizhophrenic talking to myself all the time, I thought I had multiple personality disorder inventing new personalities of myself in my own musings; I went through intense mental pain, trauma, madness and sadness; fear clouded my dreams and yet I looked at every cloud that passed me by always searching for the silver lining in them. I felt I had become rude, selfish, unfriendly, solitary and hostile… my tolerance of others were diminishing, and everything about myself felt sweet, even my mistakes and misdemeanors. It was the most intense phase of my life and it also gave me immense joy and an incense desire to immerse myself in the imaginings of my own fantasies. Later I realized I was having an experience of myself, as this process freed me… free from all those external rules, caution, fear, validation, appropriateness, judgement, right or wrong, and what I was left with was pure, sweet, divine, unconditional love & acceptance of myself.
But my writings were so pathetic, imperfect, flawed & unprofessional that I never dreamed of publishing them. Still I believe the signs led me, the nines fed me, and the synchronicities guided me to go ahead and take the biggest risk of my life. I can’t predict the destiny of magicNine. I don’t know if this book is going to bring me shame or fame, blame or name. But none of that matters, for glory and disgrace are two sides of the same coin. I don’t know if this book is my greatest mistake or my grandest truth. And I don’t need to know, because when internal validation is there, external validation is not necessary. I have permission from the spirit of life within me to publish this absurd & abstract book, this imperfect & incomplete story. And I needn’t fear especially when life is on my side, which is always. So nothing can go wrong, only perfection can occur. For I now know what I seek isn’t outside of me, it is not a gift from another, it is mine to give by living the life I came here to live. I have passion in my heart; it is a dream, and in a dream what is fantasy, what is reality? Whatever my heart asked of me, I did. Someday I’ll sit in repose and reflect if I was right or not. But today, tomorrow beckons me, to brighten my dreams, and I have found a reason to share my heart. This impulse, this book brought me what I could never have imagined experiencing prior to writing it. So this impulse, I honor. This book I hold dear. This dream I place near. In the playground of perspectives, where all possibilities exist, my book has its own place and beauty, derived from nothing but itself, the source. So I don’t think it is a mistake, I think this is destiny!
09/9/2014: today, as i turn a new leaf in the book of my life, destiny launches ✈
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