An article I compiled back in 2009
I choose to write on this topic coz it has deeply stirred my soul. Observing closely peers, relations and my own experiences, I realize this issue affects so many of us this day. Took me a long time to find expression to the myriad and often unconscious experiences of the soul; that too not without help!
In today’s changing times, when free choice is at will and one can literally do as one pleases, why should anyone stop from going out there and having some fun? I dunno how guys feel abt this (am sure they have their side to the story); here I present primarily the feminine perspective, words that resonate with my inner truth, and innate nature as a female spirit. It mayn´t be true for all of us; am no expert. Coming from a conservative culture where free mating and dating is criticised and even condemned, I cannot lay claim on any of the reasonings below. But if they echo with your truth too, please leave a comment. My feminine nature impels me to share. So here’s my two cents worth…
When a man is tempted to have an affair, although he may believe in monogamy but the enticement of the moment may make him begin to reconsider, rationalise… how, for instance, could something that felt so good be bad? Why couldn’t he be a loving partner at home and also have a little extra pleasure on the side? In these shifting times, many are questioning if monogamy is really necessary or why having sex with a willing partner is wrong. Maybe monogamy is an outdated tradition and should be ´overcome´. After all a loving marriage/relationship should not be a prison. People should be free to do what they want. Why couldn’t they do what their body wanted to do? In these circumstances, many might assume that if they could assure their undying love for their mates then maybe it wouldn’t hurt if they had occasional discreet affairs. As long as they were brief and recreational then possibly there would be no negative emotional repercussions.
Here’s the female response: She would never want to tell him what he can do. He doesn’t need her to be his mother, nor does she want to be. All she can tell him is her experience. She is already trying so hard to be open and give him the trust he deserves. She doesn’t want to give up on loving him. She wants to grow in love and trust for him. If she thought he were possibly having affairs, when away from home, she would begin to close up and eventually shut down no matter how open she tries to be. She would always be comparing herself and trying to measure up. She would never feel good enough.
I don’t know whether it is right or wrong. All I know is that it would be too difficult for her to stay open. If she loves him she would truly want him to be happy. However, regardless of whether an affair is morally right or wrong, she needs monogamy as a requirement for growing in love. She needs to feel special in order to love him in an open receptive and responsive way and that ´specialness´ is based on the security of monogamy. Many men (and some women) imagine that having an occasional fling would make no major impact on their relationships. They don’t appreciate the sacredness of sex or that monogamy and not just love, is the cornerstone of lasting happiness, passion, and intimacy. Some keep it discreet thinking that ´what you don’t know cannot hurt you´. What they don’t know is that without monogamy they would eventually snuff out the delicate and tender feelings of affection that attracted them to their mates. Like many couples, they might mistakenly assume that it’s natural to lose physical attraction and passion after some time of togetherness.
Women today want the emotional support and romance that only monogamy can provide. If her man needs another woman to be passionate, a woman would rather start over with another man who wants her passionately. In reaction to the lack of passion in their relationships, some women have also taken the traditionally male escape route of having affairs. For men and women, having an affair is ultimately an attempt to fulfil our need for love. While it may temporarily satiate this need, an affair leads us farther and farther away from being able to have a truly fulfilling relationship with our mates. When either a man or a woman is having an affair, the opportunity to grow together in loving passion is greatly restricted. Whether the partner finds out or not, the effect is there. On an intuitive level, the other partner loses the feeling that they are unique. Without this feeling, love and passion cannot grow. It will then take years to recapture that ´special´ feeling. If a woman doesn’t feel safe in talking about her feelings, she will eventually have nothing to say.
To ask or not to ask: It used to be that the squeaky wheel got oiled. Today, however, it gets replaced. Asking for more can easily begin to sound like nagging or being too needy, clingy, controlling… Men hate to hear it and women hate to do it. Having to ask for what she needs is not easy for a woman. If she has to ask, then it doesn’t feel like she’s being loved. When a man appears to her as if he is not motivated to support her needs, it weakens her self-esteem and humiliates her. She feels that she is not worthy of his love.
Damsel in distress: Oftentimes, when a woman is emotionally distressed a man mistakenly assumes that if she is to feel better, she needs some solitary time. He will tend to ignore her and give her lots of space because that is perhaps the kind of support he would want. To ignore her, however, is the worst thing he can do. He actually thinks he’s being supportive and has no idea he just failed the test. When in a relationship she doesn’t feel free to talk, she disconnects from the natural happiness that comes when her female side is nurtured; she can fall hard and hurt bad. She maybe gullible, vulnerable and naïve as she wants to trust and believe in him, to be herself. She needs to feel that someone understands what she’s going through and cares about her. A man creates a platform of love with his romantic intentions, to which she warms up & opens her heart gently; without having to fear rejection, interruption or ridicule allows her to thrive in a relationship. A woman is most attracted to a man when he makes her feel totally feminine. This is her gentle and fierce love. Over time she can continue to trust and love her partner more.
Continuity: As we grow together in love and trust, open up and feel our mutual needs more strongly, our vulnerability increases too. Passion is most powerfully experienced when we know how much we need someone. A woman primarily feels loved when she’s receiving from her man the emotional and physical support she needs, when she feels that a man’s love is consistent. It doesn’t matter as much what he provides but the way to her heart is that he does it in a continuous way, lots of little things for her. Although she needs romance to feel loved, for passion to grow over time her most important intimacy requirement is exclusivity. He can make romantic gestures, but if he’s not monogamous, her passions cannot cultivate. Romance tells her, she is special. And there is nothing that makes her feel more special than a man in touch with his passions desiring only her. As she ages, her ability to feel and express passion increases if she can fully trust her partner to be there for her. If she feels she is being compared to another or that she has to compete, she cannot continue to open up, shuttin´ down, automatically. Like a delicate rose she needs the clear and clean water of monogamy to gradually unfold, one petal at a time. By clearly committing himself and assuring her that they are going to grow old together, he gives her the special support she needs to discover the fires of sexual fervour deep within her soul. Not only does she benefit from monogamy but so does he. As he continues to make her feel exceptional, she is able to make him more important to her. Sexual monogamy also makes him worthy of her highest trust. You may share your mind and spirit with many but only your mate gets your sexual energy.
Ultimately what keeps passion alive in a relationship is growing in love. When, as a result of living, laughing, crying, and learning together two people are able to love and trust each other more, the passion will continue. To continue feeling our love, we need to feel. When it is not safe to have feelings or sensitivities, we quickly lose touch with our passion. When a woman stops feeling the safety in the relationship, she also begins to close up by repressing emotions. Over time, she begins to build walls around her heart. Each time she feels ignored, minimized and unsupported another brick is placed in her wall. When we are not getting the love we need, but remain vulnerable to our partners, we feel pain. Many deal with this by numbing themselves or saying to themselves, ´it doesn’t matter, I don’t care´. They may begin to close up saying I can’t really trust him to be there for me, so I won’t rely on him.
Love & pain: The greatest pain we can ever feel is the pain of not loving someone we love. This agony can drive one mad. If we are not loving then ceasing to love someone would not be painful at all. We experience pain in our relationships because we do not know how to share our love in ways that work. Sometimes love is not expressed because it is buried deep inside or locked within the fortress of our hearts. Hiding behind a wall, we are safe from hurt but barred from love; so many of us are imprisoned within ourselves. Infinities of love are wasted in a lifetime when we do not know the basic skills for communicating and relating in a loving manner. People act and react in non-loving ways when they don’t know better. People bear grudges out of ignorance and innocence. When they can experience a better way, they go for it. None in their heart of hearts really wants to withhold and punish. It is merely the only way he or she knows to react when another disrespects them. Once we bear this truth in mind and heart, our mistakes and our partner’s are more forgivable.
Right/wrong: Back to our initial question: how can something that feels so good be so wrong? Right or wrong doesn’t exist. What was wrong many years ago is right today… as we evolve, our definitions of right and wrong change. Right and wrong is merely what works and what doesn’t; what serves us and what disserves us. Awareness brings us here; being conscious of the consequences of our actions, in harmony with what we desire. Our greatest gift is free will, to choose. It’s all about choice and control; to respond or to react. To consciously create or to unconsciously react… it’s upto you!
Intimacy: Relationships give us back to ourselves… Human beings are fragile and relationships provide a delicate balance. Deep down we all know we are priceless and worthy of infinite love. However, knowledge without experience is incomplete. Hence we seek true love and intimacy. Intimacy means more than sex, as you know. It is about the connection of souls. It is the true union of two beings. It is about walking through all moments, both good and bad, and never leaving the other’s side. You are intimate when you are fully with another, no matter what. In fact it has very little to do with that which is physical. Intimacy is ´into-me-see´.
Angels in heaven rejoice each time you choose to love instead of closing your heart; you bring a little spark of divinity into our dark world of struggle. You lighten the load of others and help them to love as well. When men and women fail in relationships, it is not because they are not loving. We are all born with love in our hearts and a purpose to fulfil.
Do not snuff out what could be a beautiful dance of ever lasting passion and intimacy.
You are in a relationship coz you wanna be in it. A relationship is like an investment.
It’s like learning to dance. In the beginning you feel awkward and confused and unnatural. Occasionally you will even step on your partner’s feet. But once the steps are learned you can begin to flow and dance to the music under the moonlight.
He has all the moves down and she trusts him to lead her exactly where she wants to go. She melts into his arms and he holds her charmingly and confidently.
Two steps forward and two steps back
Just like dance partners, when a woman takes two steps back, the man takes two steps forward. When he takes two steps back, she takes two steps forward. This give and take is the basic rhythm of relationships.
At other times, they both pull back and then come back together. Every relationship has those times when both partners have little to give and so they pull back to recharge. It is the movement that keeps a relationship fresh. While dancing, a woman gracefully swings into the man’s arms, then spins away. In a successful relationship, this same pattern is expressed. A woman is happy to see her partner, she moves into his arms, and then after pausing and preparing him, she spins out of his arms and shares her feelings in a circular manner.
At other times he will hold her in his arms as she swings back and dips. In a similar way, as a woman shares her feelings she may dip. With his sympathetic support she’s able to go almost all the way down to the dance floor and then experience the joy of coming back up.
In dance, a woman naturally spins around while the man stays steady. In a similar manner, when a woman can share her feelings without a man reacting with his, she feels heard. Certainly, there are also times when they both spin, but as in dance they need to pull away to do the movement before again making contact. While dancing, a man gets to feel his sense of independence and autonomy by leading, and a woman gets to feel her need for cooperation and relationship through supporting him as he supports her in the moves she wants to make. So…
Dance. Celebrate. Soulebrate.
Published on Facebook on 9 September 2009.
- Sara Schmitt boi did you write this? reminds me of the late nights! (now i feel like i’m stalking you)
- Baisakhi Saha Lol it´s a conglomeration of my ideas, feelings, experiences, observation, research and readings…! so waddya think of it?
- Dolan Champa Saha it is beautiful. may be you should tag it to more of our family members and friends. the dance part is beautiful. I love it! Reminds me of our long nights of spiritual and philosophical talk
- Baisakhi Saha thankoo sista… i appreciate ur comments:) makes me nostalgic of those days too! hugzz
- Laura Nwabia boi this is really nice!it jst sumsup everything!thanks 4 writing it! wink
- Reshma Davidson Awsum!! 🙂
- Irene Marx a beautiful compilation of ideas on the subject of love and relationship! to me, it makes clear that open-mindedness is not the “new salvation”. rather, a deep understanding of the human being in all its complexity is necessary in order to grasp the dynamics of a relationship. thanks for sharing your thoughts!
- Nadia Eloualid I really really loved what you wrote down here… thanks so much. whenever you are in Holland or in Europe, lets meet! kiss Nadia
- Eduardo Guerra INteresting point of view. Yes relationships could be a greacefull dance, but what do you consider about the lenght of the song?? I think some couples dance long songs and others are meant to dance few minutes songs…
- Lilian Mimi Iyortim Boi this is brilliant…i think u hav said the mind of many pple…i wish more pple can see this and make things happen in their relationships…i also wish that pple we love and they dnt love us in return will read this & undstnd how much we r hurting…i have learnt from this write up & will try to implement in ma next r/ship. Miss ya loadz
- Baisakhi Saha thanks guys for sharing and supporting this piece. spcl thanks to irene, min & rashi for ur appreciation although we aren´t on each other´s friends´list:) Irene, nadia, laura, resh: am glad u could connect with this write-up! its true… we are all complex beings with complex needs; only deep understanding or atleast a curiosity to fathom this complexity can salvage our relationships. Edu: ahem, i chose to keep spirituality aside whn i wrote this. btw, there´s no song…the only song is the song of our soul which sings within, indefinitely. Lily: i kno wat u mean… being there hurts bad, but remember no phase lasts forever. ur free to share this with whoever u choose! 🙂
- Brooke Wilcox This is brilliant baisakhi! The insights here must be the beginning to comprehending women;) Thanks for sharing!
- Marzena Z-ska hmmm, girl, after reading this no words will be good to express the wisdom of you wrote! thank you so much for that! it is the most beautiful thing I read about the nature of relationships….
- Baisakhi Saha thankoo brooke n marz for ur encouraging words 😉
- Baisakhi Saha heyy Raul, thanks for penning down those words… I really appreciate your comments… great to get a guy´s perspective here I guess the pain/hurt is felt on both sides; esp. when our partner is too insensitive or brutal towards our feelings… but still it´s important not to judge or condemn, coz what you condemn will condemn you. the intention of this note was not to judge, criticize, blame or call names… it´s to make observations; to bridge the gap between distinct understandings, to create a platform of love. as edu mentioned above, some songs are brief and are meant to last a short while only, (to perhaps show us a part of ourselves we would otherwise have missed); while others are meant to last a lifetime (sometimes one lifetime is not enough)! who knows?? FYI, Raul deleted his comment later coz it’s not here!
- Baisakhi Saha to call one thing good or bad over another is not the purpose; to heal and come to a higher understanding of ourselves and our mates – that´s the objective. coz when we hold a grudge against someone, we burn in that fire of negativity while the other may not even be aware of our sufferings/feelings. in the end, who knows how best to live life?? we are all players in this game of life…sometimes we loose, sometimes we win! understanding can only make this game easier but can´t make it disappear altogether. P.S. i really admire grandma n grandpa and their evergreen love; wud love to be in their shoes 😉
- Ovic Michel Very nice text Saha! I love the picture of the dance to explain relationships. I think you are right when u talk about the notion of right and wrong and how it evolves through the ages. I think that point is very important in a world where people take the collapse of religious or moral barriers as pretext to do whatever come to their mind. But people gotta understand that even though things arent about what is good or bad nowadays, we have to choose what is healthier, what makes us happy. Monogamy isnt necessary but when u find the right partner growing together as one without lie and secrets is the healthier thing to do. As your relationship gets stronger and healthier both you and your partner experience true love and true happiness. Thanx for that beautiful text Saha.
- Baisakhi Saha you seem to have expressed or rather summarised my entire piece with those words mr. michel! thank you for ur views which are much appreciated by all readers here, am sure 🙂 dancing is food for the soul
- Arijit Bhowmick U really did put a lot in there… wud be really great to know what trigged that output…
- Baisakhi Saha thank u for ur comment, arijit. you can find the answer to that question at the beginning of this note:) cheers!
- Tavo Molina first time i read this… 🙂….lot’s of profound insights, hopefully not coming from pain… or whatever, ur wisdom is getting stronger…and its shocking for me to hear that this precise issue persists to be of upmost importance to you… how are you, my long forgotten friend? 🙂 …btw, i am visiting your country in a few days, hahaha…we’ll see how things are…
- Baisakhi Saha lol i don´t discount any experience, tavo. learning or understanding is what releases it, no? being closely involved in mine and other´s lives, i realized this topic concerns many today. i see it everywhere and so much pain/drama/guilt/blame/non-comprehension associated with it… although i´ve explored a female perspective guess the male side isn´t much different. just wanted to express my views concerning this topic. and wat do u mean ur visitin my country… aren´t u already there??